I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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