Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
