Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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