Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize