I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
