she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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