He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
