Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
