It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's great music for shaving your balls
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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