I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
