I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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