Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
