her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
