Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize