got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
