Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
