My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
