did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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