rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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