My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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