Your dad touched me again.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
