Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
