I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
