Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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