he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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