There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
