Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
