His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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