I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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