I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You're a waste of cheezeits
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
