Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
