if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
