The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
