I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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