i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Actions speak louder than pants.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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