That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
