While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
