My hand turned me down
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
