i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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