this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
