Having a random hookup so left but love u
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
