Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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