Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
