dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize