You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
