I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
