I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
