I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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