Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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