we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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