you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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