a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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