the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
