Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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