dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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