Sorry, I don't speak sober.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize