OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
