Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I could make wine with my vomit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
