Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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