...so i touched it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
