You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
