He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize