I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
