I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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