so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
