I faked an abortion last night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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