why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And then my night got REAL pukey
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
