i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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