just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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