She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
