I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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