i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
