1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
