I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
